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独立女性要彩礼,可耻吗?
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独立女性要彩礼,可耻吗?

19 六月 2020 - 10:06

作为知乎、微博的常热话题,彩礼和嫁妆,成为了当代年轻人在婚恋结合时绕不开的人生选题。

图/知乎上的相关问题

 

“你需要多少彩礼?”

对这个问题,我的回答是:零。

 

不要彩礼,明智吗?

 

“除了婚姻之外,你还害怕什么?”

当我跟朋友聊起我不需要彩礼这件事时,TA的第一反应是指出我的婚姻恐惧症,是“傻”。甚至可能有人会认为,这是一种过度标榜自己为女权主义者,宣称自己为独立女性的表现形式。

然而,对“彩礼”的选择要从我对婚姻的认识说起。

中国文字对婚姻的表达,“嫁”与“娶”这两个字,是最吸引我的。

“嫁”更多地表达“到另一方去”的概念,意思是女性作为客体,加入到另一主体中去。这与“娶”,把女子接过来成亲(取+女,把女子拿过来),是相互呼应的。

既然要拿别人的“东西”,等价交换的交易也就随之产生。

结婚=买卖交换。

如此一来,我自然不想让自己成为被交易的商品。

(《唐律》中规定,结婚必须实行“以聘财为信”的送彩礼制度,使结婚成为买卖交换的一种形式。)

也许有人会提出,除了彩礼,女方家庭也会相应地支付同等、或稍高于彩礼金额的嫁妆,这不相当于平等交换了吗?

不同地域对于彩礼、嫁妆的数额、支付形式等等,都有很多不一样的规定或习俗。例如,有的地区,男方支付十万元彩礼,女方会相应给出十万零一元的嫁妆。意思是,高出一头,这样女方嫁到男方家,不会受欺负。

你看,“嫁到”,还是出现了。

这种为了不在男方家受欺负的预想,实际上还是主动地把女性归入到弱势地位,预设了女性在婚姻中处于低于男方家庭、受制于婆家的角色。

如果是平等的婚姻关系,为什么相互制约、高于一筹,会成为需要较量的内容呢?

 

彩礼不光是夫妻间的事

 

理想的婚姻关系,或者是长期伴侣关系,应该是基于两个人对于共同生活的向往、计划与合作。

而存在着“彩礼”和“嫁妆”的婚姻,就没有这么理想和单纯了。

在目前中国社会情况下,彩礼或嫁妆,通常由父母代为支付。这样一来,“婚姻”牵涉的不仅仅是夫妻双方,而是两个大家庭与一个小家庭。

图/《我是余欢水》

这便是学者在进行彩礼研究时提出的另一理论:彩礼,实际上是一种作为代际剥削的手段。

与“婚姻交换论”相对应,“代际转移”强调的是青年小家庭在成立之初,以彩礼与嫁妆的形式,将经济压力、支付成本转移到父母所在的原大家庭。

现代年轻人对于自由的向往,使得我们对于摆脱原生家庭的影响有着巨大的渴望。但如果谈到成立新家庭,我们又容易走入依赖父母的怪圈:希望父母能予以经济支持,启动新的小家庭;希望父母帮忙带带孩子,减轻双职工的育儿负担。

这些要求其实在中国现代发展环境下具有一定合理性:经济飞速运转,年轻人在建立新家庭时,面临与我们父母一辈当初成家完全不同的社会环境与问题。而在社会支持尚未完善时,父母确实也是年轻人最好的育儿支持者。

但是,问题来了:

年轻人究竟是希望能摆脱父母对自己生活的控制,还是希望能得到父母的支持,为自己的生活添砖加瓦呢?

 
图/《非诚勿扰》
 
如果你选择择偶独立、婚姻独立,那“不要彩礼”可能是你的关键一步。可如果接受了父母的“资助”,再“放下筷子骂娘”,抱怨父母不理解你,不尊重你的选择,合适吗?

基于对这些问题的考虑,我选择不要彩礼,一是希望从亲密关系的角度,为我与伴侣的平等模式埋下种子,二是希望从原生家庭的角度,训练自己成为独立的生活人。

这也是我给自己建立长期亲密关系的要求:以成年人的姿态,对自己的亲密生活负责。

 

需不需要彩礼,由什么决定?

 

那么,我的个人选择对于其他女性,有没有参考意义?不一定。

彩礼,或许是很多女性在当下社会男权式婚姻下的最优选择。

另一方面,有学者在研究“婚姻挤压”时,提出了彩礼对男性的三大挤压:

“性别挤压”,挤压的是男性,使他们必须提供高于嫁妆价值的彩礼才能获得女方的青睐。

“梯度挤压”,挤压的是经济和自然条件相对落后地区的男性,这些地区的彩礼要比周边条件相对较好的地区高。

“竞争挤压”,挤压的是相对落后地区经济条件较差家庭的年轻男性,他们要想找到对象结婚就得出更高额的彩礼,出不起高额彩礼在本地就难以正常成婚。

图/《我们都要好好的》

不可否认的是,“天价彩礼”等过分要求彩礼的行为的确对部分男性造成压迫。但是,如果我们只看到彩礼作为经济压力施加于男性,就会忽略女性作为如今婚姻制度的不受益者,她们进入婚姻的成本,以及所付出的代价:生育成本、家务劳动、母职惩罚、职业瓶颈等等。

在现代婚姻关系中,一般而言,女性的付出是绝对大于男性的。

从这一层面考虑,彩礼则是对女性在不平等婚姻关系中进行生育、劳动付出的预支补偿。丧偶式育儿、巨婴式老公,女性在婚姻中所消耗的成本以彩礼的形式提前进行支付,确也是合情合理的。

是否选择彩礼,当然是由进入婚姻的双方进行决定的。大肆渲染“零彩礼”大可不必,也不需苛责女性“要彩礼即是物化自我”。在婚姻更多消耗女性的不平等现状下,我们应该支持女性们为选择更有保障的生活而加油鼓劲。

如果你认为彩礼嫁妆能够加强你对未来婚姻生活的安全感,就大胆地去为你的生活进行谈判。如果你认为你的亲密关系不以彩礼嫁妆而动摇,就潇洒地选择你期待的生活方式。

 

我是理婚理育的分界线

 

知乎上常有人发表观点,认为女性谈钱要彩礼,就是“拜金”、“物质”。

这个社会给女生不断加码的性别偏见有时候还真的挺好笑的。我并不是很在乎这些男权指责。我更关心的是,女性们是否也把这些无稽之谈内化于心。

我的很多女性朋友,都认为在亲密关系中,谈钱,不是一件很好的事情。她们以为,越谈钱感情越生分。似乎账本算清楚了,感情也该到头了。

实际上,我却认为,钱谈得越明白,感情越清晰。

图/《非诚勿扰》
 

与伴侣讨论各种生活内容的过程,是观察对方是否能成为合适伴侣,以及考量双方是否契合的绝佳时机。

如果对方在你提出金钱规划的时候,就急得跳脚指责你拜金,那这样的伴侣是不是越早摆脱越好?

如果对方能够理智地处于你们关系中情感交流与财产协调的关系,那这样的伴侣是不是更能让你有安全感?

我个人调皮又真诚地希望,每一位在亲密关系中的女性,都大胆地去和你们的伴侣谈谈钱,这既可以帮你厘清你个人的财产状况,又可以扫除你们感情中的隐形地雷。

 

你知道该如何和伴侣谈钱吗?

 

谈钱,也是一个需要与时俱进的活。比如,新的《民法典》颁布实施后:

女性在婚姻财产中处于什么样的位置?

房产证加不加名对于离婚时的财产分割有什么样的影响?

彩礼收多少,要以怎么样的形式收?

收了的彩礼就可以直接算作个人财产了吗?

如果要和伴侣讨论上面的财产问题,我希望能掌握足够丰富的财产法律信息。如此一来,我就能在理性对谈的过程中,加入有效的信息量,同时表明我的态度。这份学习,是源于我不希望走弯路吃了亏,也不希望占你便宜的初心。

橙律师的这份女性财产课,则是我了解女性财产相关法律知识的有力切入点。

无论是身边已婚已育、不婚不育的女性家人朋友,我都希望她们能每天抽10分钟听一听这门课程。

 

 

本期橙律师——贾欣彦

 

自执业以来,一直专注于家事与财富传承、劳动与合规、民商事争议解决方面的法律服务;

曾担任集团公司法务与风控管理主管2年,从事执业律师9年,具有丰富的实务经验;

擅长为个人客户提供离婚、继承、房产争议包括动迁房共有财产分割、人身侵权、金融保险等法律服务;

长期从事公益法律服务,关注反家暴、性骚扰领域维权。

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